Let's Talk About... London

I live in central London, on the South Bank, in the shadow of Westminster. All of London is literally on my doorstep but I spend most of my time sitting in my flat on my iMac going over the same YouTube videos again and again. You might say that I’m quite wasteful with my time but I don’t spend all day looking at Facebook and Twitter, y’know. I research a lot of interesting things. The internet is actually fantastic, isn’t it? If you spend all day on social networks you’re missing out and you’re wasting a very useful tool. I encourage you to pick a topic that interests you and then learn all you can about that particular thing. Pursue your curiosity. Recently I have discovered my favourite iPhone Application of all time, ‘Jurassic Park Builder’. The app should come with a bold disclaimer: ‘Warning: May Consume Your Life’. My days recently have consisted of taking care of my Park and my Prehistoric animals. I wouldn’t have time for a job because in my head I already have one: Dino-Wrangler. So, in light of this my recent forays into internet research have been in relation to the Prehistoric. I read all there is to read about a species and move on to another and then start reading about a particular era or genus. It’s fascinating. I know a gargantuan amount of petty details about subjects you’ll never ask me about. I love the internet. I don’t really have a hobby but looking up interesting facts on the net and learning all there is to know about a particular person, place, thing, book or film is my favourite pass time. It’s a pity then that, under hobbies and interests on a CV, ‘Internet Research’ would be unacceptable. 

Jurassic Park Builder

I think that if my window didn’t overlook the concrete car park of my accommodation complex i’d probably have a little more motivation to go out into the actual world, but as it does, I feel like a prisoner unable to leave this place. Stepping through the reception doors and into London is an odd experience. I feel somehow in danger and out of my comfort zone. When i’m outside I just want to be back in my room where things make sense, where i’m comfortable and where I have an internet connection. I’m not quite sure how to account for this agoraphobia. I think I just like my own space and to be alone with my thoughts. I don’t like seeing people and I don’t like the hustle and the bustle of London life. When walking down Oxford Street (and you’ll know what I mean if you’ve ever been there) I find myself compelled to start shouting and screaming “get the fuck out of my way!” Everyone walks at a snails pace. Tourism is one of the greatest burdens to travel i’ve ever experienced! When walking across Westminster Bridge (this is true day or night, any time) there is always some tourist posing for pictures with Big Ben or the London Eye. They take up the entire pavement and stop directly in front of you, tripping you up.

- “Could you take my picture, please?”

- “Certainly not.”

My friend and I developed a game (not an entirely original one, but an adequate way to relieve stress when faced with slow paced tourists holding DSLRs) in which you ‘bomb’ the photos they’re taking, destroying the shot. Time your move just right and as the finger goes down on the shutter release, hurl yourself into the photograph. Another big draw for tourist attention seems to be phone boxes. What is so fascinating about a phone box? I imagine that in their little tour pamphlets there is a whole section about telephone boxes and how best to pose with one. It's as though they're a reason to come to London. I guarantee that not one red telephone box in central London is ever used to make a call, it’d be impossible! They’re always packed with people taking photos of each other holding the receiver and making a pitifully dumb expression. I wonder what their faces would look like if I interrupted the photo-shoot to make a call. I must do that.

But, it’s not all chaos and misery in London-town. There’s a lot of fun to be had. I learned long ago that I do not like a ‘night-out’. I went to Ministry Of Sound once and let me please implore you never to go there. It is a disaster. Unless of course, you like being dry-humped by a Chimpanzee in a wife-beater. The music is awful and it’s over-priced. A wholly unenjoyable affair. But that’s what a night out to most of you is, isn’t it? The typical ‘club’ with the booming bass. It’s not my scene in the slightest. Though, i’m glad to say that I have discovered my sanctuary; Northern Soul. Once a month me and my trusty dance partner, Michael, hop on the tube to Islington and stop off at Buffalo Bar to dance in a dark basement to 1960’s soul music. It is something of an occasion, my one night out a month, an excuse to get the shirt and tie on and my expensive cologne. In case you are unfamiliar with this ‘scene’ let me introduce you to a song that made for a brilliant closer last month. I thoroughly enjoyed dancing with a beautiful young lady to this funky beat:

Jean Knight - Mr Big Stuff

So apart from the one night out a month I have, what do I do for fun in London? Well I like eating out from time to time (when my bank balance will permit it). I have recently procured a taste for Japanese. Yo! Sushi on the South Bank has robbed me of a serious amount of cash these past few weeks, but I was a willing victim. I never knew that a bowl of seaweed could be so enjoyable, or a ball of rice wrapped in seaweed, or a seaweed salad or... I really enjoy seaweed. I wouldn’t be surprised if my evolutionary journey began to reverse and I crawled back into the water to form gills.

I have been to the Natural History Museum many times, in fact it’s probably the landmark I have visited most since moving to London nearly two years ago. Why do I like it so much? Well the Dinosaurs of course. This edition to my blog is awfully Dino heavy, isn’t it? On my last visit I was impressing the company I was with by naming each individual Dinosaur skeleton (without consulting the labels) with a 99% success rate. There was Parasaurolophus (my favourite herbivore, of course), Pachycephalosaurus, Corythosaurus, Baryonyx, Gallimimus... Shall I go on? All that internet research was good for something. I felt like such a child again when at the gift shop I purchased a little fossil build-it-yourself Parasaurolophus, which still has a special little spot on my book shelf. 

Natural History Museum - Apr. 2013

In conclusion, what do I enjoy about London? The Dinosaurs of course. Which reminds me, they need feeding. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention, I go to University as well...

- I recommend the Northern Soul night, whole heartedly. It takes place the second Friday of each month. Stay up to date by following @GBKClub on Twitter. Alternatively just come on down! Buffalo Bar, Islington (directly in front of you as you exit Highbury & Islington tube station).

- Jurassic Park Builder for iOS - Jurassic Park Builder on iTunes

Introducing...

Don't you hate those pesky pleasantries that inevitably come with ones own introduction? I don't like introducing myself and I like even less that awkward stint of time while I get comfortable with the person i'm with. I've never heard or seen an introduction made without some sort of cliché or calculated line being instigated.

"Hi, my name is Shawn and i'm studying Film in London."

So dull and formulated. Sometimes I wish I could open a conversation with someone as though we already knew one another and then I wouldn't have to worry about whether or not this person is impressed with me. I could be relaxed and I could be myself, though being myself is a risky strategy if I want the other person to like me. Myself or not, I find introductions almost unnecessary. You should be able to know everything there is to know about the person you are speaking with after a few short moments. The topics of conversation raised are usually enough to make any decisions about whether or not you're ever going to see or speak to this person again. Is there any crime worse than being unimaginably uninteresting?

- "Don't you find the works of Oscar Wilde to be utterly beautiful?" 

- "Who's Oscar Wilde?"

... This is a sure sign i'll never see you again, my dear. However, I usually decide whether I like or hate someone without having actually spoken to them. Is this a bad thing? Probably not. I loathe meeting new people. In fact, what are you doing here? Go away. I bet I don't like you.

Social media rules out physical interaction and I can't figure out whether or not I love it or hate it. I really do detest it, but then again, it beats speaking to people face to face, right? Though there are some downfalls (like no tone detection, that's a big one) I can be myself through a computer screen. I feel invincible and untouchable. I say what I really mean online whereas in the real-world i'm a bumbling idiot who is often-times overly agreeable and awkward. Via the internet you have a good couple of seconds to formulate a clever response and I find that given those couple of seconds i'm a genius. You can also be braver and say something you might not if you were speaking face to face and you're free to disagree (as politely nodding along doesn't translate well through facebook chat). It's unfortunate then, that in the real-world i'm a coward and a 15 second pause in between sentences would be totally unacceptable. It's an awful shame.

So instead of introducing myself in this small space I would like to pose the following: Imagine that each of the following posts that I write are opening conversations in our hypothetical first meeting, although if you're anything like me, you've already decided whether or not you like me.